You Left when I was Crying
Today you left when I was crying. There was a time when me crying was a sad moment. Oh, swwetheart come here don't cry....but now, what are you crying for again? As the tears roll down my face, I can't stop them, they are there with the tension in the back of my throat and need to stream down my cheeks and take the sadness with them. I know a simple picture on a webpage seems silly, but it is just a reminder of how you and me have changed....the fascination is not there now, I was an angel, a mamasita, now, just a wife who feels, sad with tears streaming down her face. You left when I was crying.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Today I woke up and my husband is not talking to me. The situation between he and my son has grown desperate. I figure I may as well write whatever I want on this blog because noone is reading anyway. My own personal narrative, my diary, for me, a way to release my emotions. The abuse is happening again. Abuse is a funny thing...it is sneaky. I know Devin is a very tough child and doesn't let up for anything...a perfect target for anger. His anger is also out of control. So many issues....a father who does not care, really,a step father who cares but has his own issues unresolved. Me, a mother who is in the middle of it all, although not a victim, also an active player in the dysfunction. Right now, I am in the middle, trying to be a peacemaker. But there is no peace to be found,it could erupt at any time...the anger is unpredictable. My anger as well...unleashed when it comes on. God, I need help. I thought my knight had found me and he was the answer to my troubles. Turns out, that is not the case. As much as I love my husband, I cannot live with this silent anger. It is silent until it is released and then it is so damaging. My beautiful daughter witnesses so much love and so much anger, violence at the same time. What will become of her. I want her to have her own parents together to witness the beauty of love, but that is not happening. It could happen if we could open ourselves to change...step into the light and expose the abuse on both sides...on all sides, me included. Willingness. I am in so much pain. God, I pray to plese send your love upon my family, open our hearts and souls to change or give me the strenght to step into the unknown, and make the change myself.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Even though it is the New Years holiday it is hard to
celebrate with the death in Gaza and other parts of the world. When my mother asked me how I was this morning I could not pretend to be ok, I said "sad for the people of Gaza." She then said, "don't think about it, stop reading the news focus on the beauty in your own life." I thought about what she said alot this morning and this is my thought....
Death, close your eyes, pretend not to see, hear, feel the pain of others, blood pouring down the streets, blood of the children of Gaza staining the pavement,close your eyes,pretend not to see, hear or feel the pain of a mother wailing for the life of her child, on her knees, praying to God to bring her baby back, kissing his cold lips,caressing his soft cheeks, Death,
Safe in your home on this wintery day, the beginning of the year, your child peacefully sleeps,cozy in her warm bed, why not the children of Gaza,Iraq,Afghanistan. Who decides that they are not to have sanctuary of a warm bed, sleeping soundly,peacefully.
Bombs, the sound of drones overhead, anxiety, fear, terror on the faces of the chidren of Gaza. Will it hit us, my family, my home, my bed.....The earth mourns, tears of blood stream down her cheeks, mourning for the death of her people, she will turn her face away now, the pain is too much.
To close your eyes and pretend that we are not a part is without consciense. I will raise my voice , I will open my eyes, I will acknowledge, educate those that pretend not to see.
I am a mother, the same as the mothers of Gaza, the same as the mothers of Iraq, the same as the mothers of Afghanistan, the same as the mothers of the Congo, the same a the mothers of Darfur, the same as the mothers of Tibet, the same as the mothers of China, the same as the mothers of the world who hold their babies close to their bosum and pray for their future, feed them when they are hungry, clothe them when they are cold, love them as any mother should....
God, please I am one with all of the mothers of the world, we are one and when one feels death, we all do, when one feels loss we all feel loss and when blood flows from children , it is all of our blood, all of our children. It is time to open our eyes and recognise that we are all part of the same GOD,whatever name he takes, she takes.
The death in Gaza effects us all. So, I will not stop paying attention and focus on my world, because their is only one world and we are all one being. This is it,this is what we have, here, now, now,now,now, only now can we open our eyes.
celebrate with the death in Gaza and other parts of the world. When my mother asked me how I was this morning I could not pretend to be ok, I said "sad for the people of Gaza." She then said, "don't think about it, stop reading the news focus on the beauty in your own life." I thought about what she said alot this morning and this is my thought....
Death, close your eyes, pretend not to see, hear, feel the pain of others, blood pouring down the streets, blood of the children of Gaza staining the pavement,close your eyes,pretend not to see, hear or feel the pain of a mother wailing for the life of her child, on her knees, praying to God to bring her baby back, kissing his cold lips,caressing his soft cheeks, Death,
Safe in your home on this wintery day, the beginning of the year, your child peacefully sleeps,cozy in her warm bed, why not the children of Gaza,Iraq,Afghanistan. Who decides that they are not to have sanctuary of a warm bed, sleeping soundly,peacefully.
Bombs, the sound of drones overhead, anxiety, fear, terror on the faces of the chidren of Gaza. Will it hit us, my family, my home, my bed.....The earth mourns, tears of blood stream down her cheeks, mourning for the death of her people, she will turn her face away now, the pain is too much.
To close your eyes and pretend that we are not a part is without consciense. I will raise my voice , I will open my eyes, I will acknowledge, educate those that pretend not to see.
I am a mother, the same as the mothers of Gaza, the same as the mothers of Iraq, the same as the mothers of Afghanistan, the same as the mothers of the Congo, the same a the mothers of Darfur, the same as the mothers of Tibet, the same as the mothers of China, the same as the mothers of the world who hold their babies close to their bosum and pray for their future, feed them when they are hungry, clothe them when they are cold, love them as any mother should....
God, please I am one with all of the mothers of the world, we are one and when one feels death, we all do, when one feels loss we all feel loss and when blood flows from children , it is all of our blood, all of our children. It is time to open our eyes and recognise that we are all part of the same GOD,whatever name he takes, she takes.
The death in Gaza effects us all. So, I will not stop paying attention and focus on my world, because their is only one world and we are all one being. This is it,this is what we have, here, now, now,now,now, only now can we open our eyes.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
amazed at the level of ignorance that I am seeing....
Today I woke up and made coffee for my husband, got my daughter off to daycare, and then turned on CNN to see what was happening in Gaza.
I could not believe the news coverage. The reporter said, Israel has no defense against the violence that it's citizens are subject to. Israel has been aaatacked by rockets that are unguided and could hit anywhere. Israel is practicing responsibility in using precise, smart bombs to decrease civilian casualties.
Am I the only one who is perplexed at the level of ignorance and false information that seethes from the media in the United States? Does anyone care, is anyone outraged at the level of killing that is taking place? I follow independent news and know that this news coverage -so called CNN- is sooooo biased, exactly like Iraq coverage or whatever coverage that needs to be spoon fed to the American people like we are infantile, idiotic, just plain don't give a fuck culture.
As you read this, Israel is preparing to attack by ground. the Israeli soldiers are lining up along the Gaza border, getting ready to continue the slaughter of an already defenseless population, mostly children, who are trapped and cannot escape. Here is what you can do right now:
CALL the Israeli Government and demand that it immediately STOP attacking the Dignity and endangering the lives of its passengers!
CALL Mark Regev in the Prime Minister's office at:+972 2670 5354 or +972 5062 3264mark.regev@it.pmo.gov.il
CALL Shlomo Dror in the Ministry of Defence at:+972 33697 5339 or +972 50629 8148 mediasar@mod.gov.il
Currently what is happening... (Taken directly from Raising Yousuf and Noor: Diary of a Palestinian Mother- a current blog)
http://www.a-mother-from-gaza.blogspot.com/
The Dignity, a Free Gaza boat on a mission of mercy to besieged Gaza, is being attacked by the Israeli Navy in international waters. The Dignity has been surrounded by at least half-a-dozen Israeli warships. They are firing live ammunition around the Dignity, and one of the warships has rammed the civilian craft causing an unknown amount of damage. Contrary to international maritime law, the Israelis are actively preventing the Dignity from approaching Gaza or finding safe haven in either Egypt or Lebanon.
Instead, the Israeli navy is demanding that the Dignity return to Cyprus - despite the fact that the ship does not carry enough fuel to do so. Fortunately, no one aboard the ship has yet been seriously injured.There are 15 civilian passengers representing 11 different countries (see below for a complete list).
At approximately 5am (UST), well out in international waters, Israeli warships began surrounding the Dignity, threatening the ship. At 6:45am (UST) we were able to establish brief contact with the crew and were told that the ship had been rammed by the Israeli Navy in international waters, and that the Israelis were preventing the ship from finding safe harbor.
We heard heavy gunfire in the background before all contact was lost with the Dignity.aza, departed from Larnaca Port in Cyprus at 7pm (UST)
On Monday 29 December, bound for war-devastated Gaza with a cargo of over 3 tons of desperately needed medical supplies donated by the people of Cyprus. The ship was searched by Cypriot Port authorities prior to departure, to certify that there was nothing "threatening" aboard - only emergency medical supplies.
TAKE ACTION IMMEDIATELY TO STOP THE ISRAELI NAVY FROM ENDANGERING THE DIGNITY AND ITS PASSENGERS!
Passengers include, among others, surgeons, journalists, and politicians, including former US congresswoman Cynthia McKinney
I could not believe the news coverage. The reporter said, Israel has no defense against the violence that it's citizens are subject to. Israel has been aaatacked by rockets that are unguided and could hit anywhere. Israel is practicing responsibility in using precise, smart bombs to decrease civilian casualties.
Am I the only one who is perplexed at the level of ignorance and false information that seethes from the media in the United States? Does anyone care, is anyone outraged at the level of killing that is taking place? I follow independent news and know that this news coverage -so called CNN- is sooooo biased, exactly like Iraq coverage or whatever coverage that needs to be spoon fed to the American people like we are infantile, idiotic, just plain don't give a fuck culture.
As you read this, Israel is preparing to attack by ground. the Israeli soldiers are lining up along the Gaza border, getting ready to continue the slaughter of an already defenseless population, mostly children, who are trapped and cannot escape. Here is what you can do right now:
CALL the Israeli Government and demand that it immediately STOP attacking the Dignity and endangering the lives of its passengers!
CALL Mark Regev in the Prime Minister's office at:+972 2670 5354 or +972 5062 3264mark.regev@it.pmo.gov.il
CALL Shlomo Dror in the Ministry of Defence at:+972 33697 5339 or +972 50629 8148 mediasar@mod.gov.il
Currently what is happening... (Taken directly from Raising Yousuf and Noor: Diary of a Palestinian Mother- a current blog)
http://www.a-mother-from-gaza.blogspot.com/
The Dignity, a Free Gaza boat on a mission of mercy to besieged Gaza, is being attacked by the Israeli Navy in international waters. The Dignity has been surrounded by at least half-a-dozen Israeli warships. They are firing live ammunition around the Dignity, and one of the warships has rammed the civilian craft causing an unknown amount of damage. Contrary to international maritime law, the Israelis are actively preventing the Dignity from approaching Gaza or finding safe haven in either Egypt or Lebanon.
Instead, the Israeli navy is demanding that the Dignity return to Cyprus - despite the fact that the ship does not carry enough fuel to do so. Fortunately, no one aboard the ship has yet been seriously injured.There are 15 civilian passengers representing 11 different countries (see below for a complete list).
At approximately 5am (UST), well out in international waters, Israeli warships began surrounding the Dignity, threatening the ship. At 6:45am (UST) we were able to establish brief contact with the crew and were told that the ship had been rammed by the Israeli Navy in international waters, and that the Israelis were preventing the ship from finding safe harbor.
We heard heavy gunfire in the background before all contact was lost with the Dignity.aza, departed from Larnaca Port in Cyprus at 7pm (UST)
On Monday 29 December, bound for war-devastated Gaza with a cargo of over 3 tons of desperately needed medical supplies donated by the people of Cyprus. The ship was searched by Cypriot Port authorities prior to departure, to certify that there was nothing "threatening" aboard - only emergency medical supplies.
TAKE ACTION IMMEDIATELY TO STOP THE ISRAELI NAVY FROM ENDANGERING THE DIGNITY AND ITS PASSENGERS!
Passengers include, among others, surgeons, journalists, and politicians, including former US congresswoman Cynthia McKinney
Monday, December 29, 2008
My first entry...
As I am listening and watching on the internet the atrocities in Gaza, I feel like I must be a contributor by doing nothing. What else am I doing but pay attention? How can I pretend that Iam okay, safe in my warm home with food, electricity, health, family,energy,consumerism. It all boils down to greed and hatred as I see it. There are the halves and the halves not (although it is not that black and white) and I am a member of the the halves, pretending to be okay, walking around in my oblivion concerned about christmas presents for my children while the children of Gaza are slaughtered and the people are bombed out, caged like animals with no way to feed or get healthcare for the sick and needy.....christmas presents, overloaded at work, bills...these are all meaningless experiences I am creating to confuse myself of real and unreal, peace and war, democracy and empire, death and life. My heart pours from the people of Gaza as do the tears from my eyes....God please release the evil from the world and let it begin with ME!
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